


frankenstein

by nanosecond



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Diary/Journal, M/M, Mild Gore, Oblivious Steve Rogers, Parent Tony Stark, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Precious Peter Parker, Protective Peter Parker, Protective Tony Stark, Tony Stark Has A Heart, bucky goes to a therapist, i still might add more tho so like, stick around i guess, uhh im still planning this-, um yeah
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2020-09-23 22:49:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20348110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nanosecond/pseuds/nanosecond
Summary: In which Bucky Barnes goes to therapy and writes a journal because Tony Stark cares for his friends.(set post civil war)





	1. awake

**September 7th, 2017******

** **** **

** **** **

i remember a time which i wish to forget. a room. sterile, white, with pain and agony stained on those walls. 

people, bad people, surrounded me. their eyes skimming the lines of my body, checking for any ‘damage’

sure, i was damaged. i was damaged all right, they just weren’t looking in the right places.

i can still remember that feeling. the feeling of having something important to you taken away, kinda like when i fell off that train and thought i was gonna die.

the first time i woke up in the room, i noticed something was different. something was missing, i thought to myself over and over and over again.

i couldnt look to the right with my whole head, so i just turned my eyes. i realized they strapped me down like a cruel animal. that feeling of being in the wrong place started to blossom in my stomach.

it only started to grow bigger when i couldnt feel my left arm.

my mind was hazy, i took in more oxygen, but my brain didn’t seem to understand. i tried to inhale but it seemed like my lungs werent working.

the feeling of flowers blooming in my chest started to grow, a whole field started to explode. thick vines crawled up my legs, my stomach, my torso, my arms-

my arms

i cant feel my arm

i cant feel my arm i cant feel my arm i cant feel my arm i cant feel my arm i cant feel my arm i cant feel my arm i cant feel my arm i cant, i cant, i-

i tried to look down to my left, trying to understand why there was only numbness, the white static making my arm fall asleep. maybe that was the answer, that was probably the answer, there was no way-

and then i looked down

and i saw a bloody bruised stump attached to my shoulder.

i dont want to write down what happened after that so ill just move on.

i fell asleep after that, and woke up again, the memories of what happened played back through my mind.

i wanted to cough up those flowers which grew inside me but i couldnt

my mouth was strapped down, and so was every other part of my body.

so i just bore through it, and when i looked ahead out of the only door in the room, i saw these people.

there was people here i thought, maybe this was my salvation, my hope for getting out of here

i think that was the last time i ever felt hope spark into my life

they came inside the room, with these tiny metal tools.

i remember a small knife, the smallest knife you could possibly picture. i remember thinking to myself that it was such a tiny knife, it wouldn’t do any real damage. it was the smallest knife that existed, tiny enough not to hurt anyone. it wouldn’t hurt anyone at all, no one at all..

oh how fucking wrong i was.

i can still feel the layers of my skin peeling off bit by bit, the thick blood gushing out of my veins as they pick at the red muscle and bits of white hidden underneath. the white hot metal digging into my flesh, a razor hot flaming pain spreading everywhere above my shoulder and neck afterwards.

i couldnt feel anything in my shoulder at that time.

i did, however, sense the dislocation and removal of my arm as they pull it out of its socket, the cracking of bone endlessly tormenting my brain.

listening to the sounds of it happening without the sensation, without the pain, made me feel like i was going crazy. to witness what was left of my arm get pulled off so suddenly..

.. i can still feel the ache of what once used to be a living arm, replaced by gears and machinery. 

what once used to be a functioning member of society, turned into the living nightmare of a broken man. a real life fucking frankenstein..

after a bit, i went to sleep again, the visual image of my bloody stump made me almost want to vomit.

when i woke up again, all i could feel was pain.

everywhere- it was everywhere. in my back, in my shoulder, in my chest, in my neck, everywhere.

the only thing i remember from that time was the fire moving throughout my body, burning it to ash. it was enough to drive someone to kill themselves. ive even thought about it a few times myself.

but anyways, with me screaming and crying in agony inside a white dull room, i had nothing else to turn my mind to. I can still remember every detail of what happened that day. every single fucking detail. that pain broke me. my surroundings broke me. those people broke me.

i am broken, and i dont see how this is going to make me feel any better.

\- Bucky


	2. talking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bucky talks about his day. that's mainly it.

** September 14th, 2017 **

it’s been like what, a week since our last meeting? and we’re doing this shit again, where i have to write down what’s on my mind. anything i wanna get off my chest, is that right? 

whatever, at least i’ll be somewhat ‘fixed’ after these fucking things.

alright so, what’s on my mind today..

well i talked to stark about stuff recently. 

we went down to a diner in these dumbass disguises, and we sat down and he said that we should talk. i remember feeling dread, cause i knew what we were gonna talk about, i just didn’t want to talk about it. 

he must’ve seen something in me that showed how scared i was, so he quickly changed topics and signalled a waiter.

the amount of relief i felt inside when he did that. 

jesus i’ve gotta be more careful around this guy.

while waiting, he tried to start up small talk. you know, normal people things. i tried, i really did, to respond to his questions but there was mostly an awkward silence that had resigned between the both of us. 

fuck i need better social skills.

once the food got here, i was eternally grateful, since it was the one true ice breaker. i started commenting on how the food was really good, and then it led to stark talking about all the different diners across new york. 

i was kinda engrossed in eating this food, but i was still paying attention to what he was saying. stark seemed to “get my drift”, if that’s how you use that phrase, and kept talking. the atmosphere between the both of us then changed from an awkward one to a more comfortable phase. 

it was only then that i noticed that he, too, was too engrossed in what he was saying to pay attention to his food. he forgot to eat, haha. 

i remember looking up from my food and just.. being in awe at how passionate he is about these topics. i think he was talking about developing a “new way to fix what these dumb fucks are doing to the environment”, and it’s kinda amazing people still have that spark in them y’know?

too bad mine was snuffed out.

so i shook myself out of that weird stupor and reminded him that he wasn’t eating. he looked at me kind of shocked, maybe it’s cause i spoke without him asking me about anything, and started to turn a bit red. after that, he started to shovel food in his mouth. 

i think he was.. embarrassed.

heh, if he was embarrassed then he looked really..

..hm..

.. so after i reminded him to eat, he started to get back into the groove of talking about random topics which led to different topics and stuff. 

and i actually.. tried to look at him.

like in the eye.

i mean, you told me to try and look more people in the eye, lower that fear and build up that confidence right doc? 

well i tried.. 

and i was noticing more things about him every time i looked up. 

it was kinda fascinating.. 

.. i forgot what interacting with normal people was like...

… am i really that fucked up?

\- Bucky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry yall for not updating in a while! i both forgot about the stuff i have on here, as well as lost motivation for them. i'm gonna try and update them every once in a while, sorry for the irregular-ness of it all haha.

**Author's Note:**

> uhh yeah, i might not update this regularly cause im like rlly busy so like-
> 
> also its midnight i rlly need to sleep aight bye


End file.
